Anxiety and Dementia

A friend, who also does an Alzheimer's blog, posted a photo of the skin surrounding her fingernails which, due to anxiety, she has picked on severely. She still has lovely fingernails though. I couldn't even think of posting a photo of my fingernails, or lack of fingernails, and the chewed off skin surrounding them. Horrifying! She said that she believes it is the dementia that is causing the anxiety. I responded to her blog post to say, "Well, why wouldn't we be anxious?". We have no playbook. Nobody can tell us exactly what is going on since it appears that everyone with this disease has a different set of symptoms and a different timeline. We read that we could be dead in 5-8 years once diagnosed. We read horror stories of people who are so disoriented that they wander, forget to eat, shout at loved ones. So, we wake each day wondering if this is the day we can't remember our family and friends. Tomorrow maybe? Maybe we'll get hit by a bus before that ever happens? Anxiety? You bet.

I do try not to live there. I try to remain positive. I try to ignore all the things that get my panties in a bunch all day long. Today I found myself screaming because I couldn't figure out how to untangle the sheets. This morning I had done my taxes.... by myself... dealt with hubby's doctor issues over multiple phone calls.... all by myself. I was exhausted. Tangle sheets were nothing, but to me it was something I could finally scream about. Literally, I screamed out loud for several minutes. It did make me feel better.

On a lighter note:

Here's a photo of a low carb blueberry cheesecake that I made. Yum!

Family Makes a Difference

Many of us travel a lonely path. Some from illness, some by choice, some from simple neglect. But, in my journey I am fortunate to have many people who truly care for me cheering, usually silently, in the background willing me to move forward. All of my family is now very far away but that's just the nature of today's society. Gone are the days when everyone lived in the same little town for generation. after generation. With Zoom, cell phones, social media, cars, and airplanes, it's easier to stay connected. Well, except for family members who are strongly opposed to all of those things, LOL!

This past week one of my son's came with his long-time partner to visit. We had such a good time. His girlfriend is into tarot and such as well so that made for special bonding time as we made some Witches' Bells and Witches' Balls. My son, even though he doesn't "get it", is supportive of what he thinks is our "nonsense". If it makes mom happy, that's all that matters, right? Good boy. Raised you well!

I think my husband and I amused them both no end with our memory issues. He has cognitive memory decline, so added to my dementia/Alzheimer's, we can be quite the team. It's funny that the one with Alzheimer's fills in all the words he can't remember! Even my son's girlfriend, who has a health condition that is affecting her memory, depended on me to be able to fill in missing pieces. Sometimes I really think that's why my decline had been slowed since I have too many people depending on me to do everything. 

One of our trips took us to Fredricksburg, a German tourist town. Surprise! We found a small shop with tarot cards, witchy necklaces, runes and more. Wow! Made my day. I even got a photo of me with Zoltar!

They gifted me a beautiful leather bound journal that I have been happily turning into a grimoire for the past couple of days. 

I will go to visit them again and the rest of my family at the end of March for 5 days. Life is good.  

(What would I do without my AppleWatch that just told me to take my pills? I have it set for all kinds of things that I would otherwise forget during the day.)  

The Slow Decline of Alzheimer's

 I did it again. I thought I'd paid one bill but sent the money to another company that I didn't even owe money to. Then, last night when I got up to use the bathroom I found myself in the other bedroom wondering why I was there. I can't balance my checkbook anymore and have added a payee of "error" to fix it several times a month. I can only hope that the bank know what it's doing.

I only post these things to kind of keep track of the progression of the Alzheimer's. Not looking for sympathy or another suggestion on how to keep things straight. All the lists and double checks on what I am doing don't amount to a hill of beans (wonder what that means anyway) in the end. I can only try my hardest and then just accept that as my best. 

I have also been trying to learn, as my doctor instructed me to learn new and difficult things, astrology. My oh my, I think I could learn a foreign language easier. Sooo complicated. I can't understand half of what I'm reading. But, I won't give up. Persistent I am to say the least. 

On a lighter note. Here's a pretty picture of the last full moon.

I've always love the unique look of dead trees. Like many fingers using sign language to communicate. I've always loved the moon the symbolizes our intuition and inner dreamlike thoughts. Perfect combo. 

Just a Ramble From a Traveler with Alzheimer's

I recently did my DNA and the results were very interesting. They verified to me that I have been correct in my feelings that I am of gypsy blood. Now, I understand that the term is often thought of as derogatory, but in researching it I have found that many Romani, travelers, still use the term with pride. It's a shame, to me at least, that words can now be thought of as an insult. I do understand though and will try, I really mean try, to banish the word from my mouth. But, never from my mind as I will always identify as a gypsy.

A Gipsy Family - Facsimile of a Woodcut in the "Cosmographie Universelle" of Munster- in folio, Basle 1552 -Public Domain

Looking at my background and the areas where my DNA originates, I can see the wandering nature of my ancestors as they traveled Eastern Europe, Russia, Hungary, the Balkans, then through Germany to Denmark, Finland, and Wales to find acceptance. Of course, they never did find acceptance. Why? I suppose it's the same today. If you refuse to spit out what everyone else believes in you are then an outcast. 

Knowing this, I am reminded of the mournful voice of my grandmother's singing that was so beautiful it would bring tears to my eyes. The persecution, the family ties all bring up memories of lives past. I understand my love of riotous color, warm comfort food, ponies, laughter, and children. I can follow the stars on my journeys as they did in their glorious wagons pulled by horses. When I pull out my tarot cards, bang a drum, or say good morning to the sun I am glad to have come from humble beginnings with the strength that it must have taken to stand strong in beliefs that weren't shared by all. 

This has nothing to do with Alzheimer's or dementia, or does it? I think I am trying to put my place together in my mind so that when I pass over it will be more recognizable to me. Easy the transition so to speak.

Beginning to Panic - Alzheimer's Blog

Beginning to panic. 

I get very confused when dealing with money these days. I was looking to see which credit cards need attending to when I saw that I had paid one credit card three times instead of paying three different credit cards. It is good to find that, if I say that I have Alzheimer's, many companies are kind and transfer me to an agent who has the authority to help. Fortunately, even though I have to wait a week to the funds, I was able to straighten things out. 

Last week I almost burned the house down when I forgot that I was boiling chicken for my ill puppy. I suddenly saw smoke, then flames coming from the stove. I only burned a pot and the chicken though and not the house. (Puppy is fine now.)

However, several of my doctors insist that I do not have Alzheimer's. Of course, they do not have to live with me and see the mayhem that I am able to create in a short time. Thankfully, I can still realize and then fix most of my errors. But, one day I will not. Maybe then they will come to agree with the full diagnosis that I received from a Neurologist. (Can you tell how frustrated it makes me when anyone, particularly a doctor who should know better, insists that I don't have dementia?)

Edited: This was a note I got from my niece when I told her the above story: I’m so sad for you with the frustrations you must be dealing with. Does this type of thing scare you or do you just shrug and move on? To be honest, if it were me, it would scare me and frustrate me. I feel awful for what you’re dealing with .

This is how I responded to her: First it scares me, then I get angry, then  forgive myself because there’s nothing can do about it, then I move on 

She then wrote back: That sounds right. There is nothing that you can do so just be kind to yourself. You didn’t do anything to be dealt this hand.  Maybe you were given this path to help others with your insight. 

I love this girl!

On a lighter note, we had twins born the other day. So cute!

Witchcraft and Alzheimer's

I posted the blurb below on a Facebook group that I belong to today. I was thinking about it and wondered why I am reluctant to actually post about my witchcraft activities here. Judgement? Should I care at this point in my life? I'm not trying to change anyone else's beliefs, just being joyful that I finally found the truth.

Here's what I posted:

Having been diagnosed about 4 years ago with Alzheimer's put me into a spin. My doctor advised me to find something new to learn and keep the progress in a slow down state. Not really sure how Tarot jumped into my path, but you must know the rabbit hole that took me down into runes, iChing, astrology and such until I discovered witchcraft.

I do have a blog about this journey. I'm not really too brave about posting the witchcraft beliefs because I'm afraid of scaring off those I'm trying to reach. I do post more on Instagram though where I am jeanchaneyaz. 

 

(This is a photo that I played with using Procreate and Pixabay. I do not have long hair, lol! The only part of the photo that is "me" is the face.)

 

 

 

Just a bit of pondering about Alzheimer's

 I went to the grocery store today and an older gentleman commented about the high price of meat as we pondered what was affordable in that section of the store. I had a package of something that I thought was quite reasonable so I showed it to him. We began chatting when I said that it was just enough for my husband and me for one dinner. He said that he was now alone as his wife had recently passed from dementia. He had put her in a home for the last month of her life as she had been increasingly difficult to deal with. She had become angry and accusatory. It took four year to reach that point though. As we chatted we talked about how old age gets us eventually and that we don't get to choose what kills us. He was angry at the fact that the newest drug for Alzheimer's won't be available for another year. He seemed to think it was a cure. However, from what I've read, it's just another way for drug companies to make money feeding of of people's dreams. 

Anyway, I left the store thinking about my husband. Will he have to care for me? Will he have to have me put away because I become too difficult to deal with? Or, will outlive him? I think all we can do is live each day to the fullest without worrying about those things. There's nothing that can be done so what's the point. 

I got a call from my doctor's office this morning. Something about my cholesterol levels being bad. Should I care? I'm dying anyway. Shouldn't I just enjoy that cookie? Questions and no answers. Last time I was there he said that I shouldn't worry. Now the call says I should. Make up your mind medical community. 

I have enough trouble thinking without adding making decisions regarding things that are too confusing to think about.