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Sorry about the title. I just couldn't help myself. Hubby has become addicted to YouTube and I cringe each time I hear them say that. Not that I don't understand. But, I'm not making a penny with this blog so no need to like OR subscribe 😄

No sleep last night. I'm sure you've all had those nights when something on your mind becomes something you can't slow down for anything. Have you ever actually thought of all the things you have learned, accomplished, attempted, enjoyed, in your life already? Well, that's the journey I was on last night. Each time I thought of something, more would pop up. What a roller coaster and joy this life has been. Sure there have been derailments along the way but I was always able to get those wheels back on the track and keep going.

In this life I have been a wife, mother, grandmother, teacher, office administrator, student. I have taken the role of a librarian, artist, nurse, counselor. I have raised or cared for dogs, cats, birds, chickens, sheep, salamanders, turtles, guinea pigs, snakes, hamsters, raccoons, rats, mice, gerbils and ..... in my life. I have learned to cook, sew, spin, play guitar, play piano,  crochet, knit, weave, keep a clean house (well, mostly). I have added learning tarot, iChing, runes, crystals, scrying, oracle card reading, astrology, numerology, drop crystals, and I see no end to this journey. I hope anyway. 

All this came about when I was notified last evening that an article that I had written for the Cartomancer Magazine was in the Fall 2023 issue and ready to be shipped out. I had written about my journey with Alzheimer's and how learning divination had helped me. Now, I get to add "author" sort of to my list, LOL! 

Hope you'll all have a chance to read it. It is available as a digital download if you are interested. If not, my feelings won't be hurt. I understand that my journey isn't necessarily everyone's journey.

Hording and Alzheimer's

I have become a hoarder. I have a NEED to get more books, more tarot/oracle decks, more crystals on a daily basis. I feel panicked when I don't have a used book or other item in my list of things to expect in the mail. No one can read all those books. But, I have to have them. I know that it has become a problem. Not enough that it cause us to not pay bills, save money, or anything like that. The things I order are very inexpensive and I certainly spend less per week than if I were a smoker. However, it worries me. 

So, I went on a hunt and found this: "By hiding and hoarding things, the person may be trying to have some control of their situation. They may feel they need to stockpile items." (This is linked to the Alzheimer's group in the UK). 

This all started when we moved to Texas where I am alone all day. I have nobody to talk to except Internet friends. Hubby is off doing his own thing all day and then watches TV all night. Getting new (okay, mostly used) things in the mail is my bright spot of the day. Not that I'm bored. With a large home and property, chickens, cats, dogs, birds, and sheep, I have plenty to do. My hobbies fill many hours of my day as well. But, still I get that panicky feeling and just get that itch to go online and order something else. 

I am thinking that it is almost like being anorexic or bulimic. Another form of trying a way to control something that cannot be controlled. Okay, I admit that deep down I am terrified of losing my brain to Alzheimer's. I realize that I am frantic in devouring as many books as I can to keep that brain from melting down. While following my doctor's orders to learn new things I keep adding things to learn from, like researching new crystals or different forms of divination. I also understand that what  I'm doing is masking something that I don't want to face, not only the Alzheimer's, but the loss of my son. If I ever allow myself any quiet time I will lose everything.

Now that I've publicly vented my fears I had hoped to feel better about it. I had hoped it would make more sense. But, well, no. I do appreciate having a place where I can put all these thoughts though.

 

Some of my crystals. They are pretty.

Crystals and Forgotten Crafts

Crystals. Crystals are my newest obsession. I seem to have a new obsession every few days. I find focusing on one thing becoming more and more difficult. I get so enthused about something, get everything out, order new things, read and buy books, magazines, and courses about the given new love only to find something else to replace it all too quickly. A friend suggested that I might have ADD but I'm not sure you develop that in your 70's? I'm thinking that it is the Alzheimer's. Maybe I'm stressing about not learning everything that I can before my brain is total mush and that's why I just can't seem to squeeze in enough learning of new things each day? It's both frustrating and exhilarating at the same time. 

My guitar has new strings, is tuned, while the books with pieces to play sit untouched.

My fiber on my spinning wheel and drop spindles are covered with dust.

Looms of all sizes and shapes, filled with projects that have been started and abandoned sit mournfully propped on shelves. 

Bags upon bags of half finished socks, sweaters, scarves of knitted, crochet, Tunisian crochet, and embroidery know they will never be completed as I can't find my place any longer in the directions or don't know how to do the stitches anymore. 

I love all these crafty things but each time I pick something up now I have to watch videos to see how to do things that used to be second nature to me. Simple things are now difficult. It's like being a beginner every day. 

So, this week it's crystals. Beautiful colored objects that have names to memorize, qualities to memorize, and different ways of incorporating them into my life to discover. I feel sad to know all of that will have been mostly forgotten in a short time though while I seek to relearn something else I used to know.