I have become a hoarder. I have a NEED to get more books, more tarot/oracle decks, more crystals on a daily basis. I feel panicked when I don't have a used book or other item in my list of things to expect in the mail. No one can read all those books. But, I have to have them. I know that it has become a problem. Not enough that it cause us to not pay bills, save money, or anything like that. The things I order are very inexpensive and I certainly spend less per week than if I were a smoker. However, it worries me.
So, I went on a hunt and found this: "By hiding and hoarding things, the person may be trying to have some control of their situation. They may feel they need to stockpile items." (This is linked to the Alzheimer's group in the UK).
This all started when we moved to Texas where I am alone all day. I have nobody to talk to except Internet friends. Hubby is off doing his own thing all day and then watches TV all night. Getting new (okay, mostly used) things in the mail is my bright spot of the day. Not that I'm bored. With a large home and property, chickens, cats, dogs, birds, and sheep, I have plenty to do. My hobbies fill many hours of my day as well. But, still I get that panicky feeling and just get that itch to go online and order something else.
I am thinking that it is almost like being anorexic or bulimic. Another form of trying a way to control something that cannot be controlled. Okay, I admit that deep down I am terrified of losing my brain to Alzheimer's. I realize that I am frantic in devouring as many books as I can to keep that brain from melting down. While following my doctor's orders to learn new things I keep adding things to learn from, like researching new crystals or different forms of divination. I also understand that what I'm doing is masking something that I don't want to face, not only the Alzheimer's, but the loss of my son. If I ever allow myself any quiet time I will lose everything.
Now that I've publicly vented my fears I had hoped to feel better about it. I had hoped it would make more sense. But, well, no. I do appreciate having a place where I can put all these thoughts though.
Some of my crystals. They are pretty.
