Why Did I Come Into This Room - Alzheimer's

Some days you've just got to laugh. I know everyone of a certain age, or even younger, has this happen all the time. But just because it's happened to you does not take away my diagnosis. Stop trying to tell me that because you can't remember why you walked into a room now and then makes you the same as I am with my slowly tangling brain. It's just not helpful.

Thank you.

 

 

 

 The Slow Roasted I

 

 

(Why do my posts always have Alzheimer's or Dementia in the titles? For those search engines. But, so far I can't even find my blog if I look it up on Google, so I don't suppose it's helping much. I started this blog hoping to be a bit of an encouragement to others in my situation. But, maybe it will just have to be for me. I'll keep trying though to get it out there.)

DementiaTurns Grateful

 Grateful for: HANDS

I don't suppose we think of this often, but for some reason, that's where my thoughts went today. I think I noticed that my left hand fingernails were ragged and just a mess as I use my hands as tools for gardening. I often will watch my dog play, using her mouth to catch a ball, and wonder what she would do if she suddenly had hands to catch instead. I think of other animals without hands, like fish and birds and remember how I've felt sorry for them, even as a child, as they lacked hands to things that seemed to me important. There are some animals that do have hands. Little rodents holding a treat and nibbling away captivate me. Gorillas, monkeys, and apes have hands, but don't captivate me at all. I wonder why? 

I have used my hands to comfort a child, wipe away tears, play music, bake, turn pages of a book, use a keyboard, and now, when my hands can't seem to tie a knot or hold a cup in place I know not to blame my hands. Arthritic and dealing with pains they still will do most things that I command them to do....except when I can't command. Losing some simple, everyday, uses of my hands makes me angry. I can scream out loud (as long as no one is around), curse the universe, (actually I usually direct the anger at myself), but it doesn't help. Walking away, calming down, and waiting for tomorrow still works most of the time. 

 

 

        Sometimes I have to just learn the skill all over. 

        Time consuming, but I still have time. 

        Grateful for hands. 

Rawpixel Image

Aftermath of Alzheimer's Diagnoses

So, how did I wind up in Texas? After the diagnosis I found myself thinking about dying without experiencing life the way I wanted to. I thought that I needed to get out of the house more as I felt more and more like a prisoner. I convinced hubby that we should get a bigger travel trailer so that we could actually go camping and have space for our dog, cat, and birds. We did:

It was nice, but it just didn't do it for me. We were going camping to places I had been to many times before so there was nothing new about it at all. Then, I suggested that we sell the house and buy a new one and hubby firmly said, "never moving again unless I get to go home". By home, he meant Texas. (Retired from Luke outside of Phoenix after a 30 stint.) Over the years we have been married, 22 now, he said that many times and I would reply, "over my dead body". My friends, family, and everything I knew and loved was in Arizona. 

One day, I casually asked the hubby where he would like to live if he could go to Texas and what kind of house would he like. He, of course, thought that I was just curious and so he told me. Then off he went for a bit. When he came back, I showed him the house we now live in on the Internet and said, "what would you think of that". He, still thinking I was just playing around, said, "well, that would be just perfect". So, I said, "shall I call the realtor"? I will never forget the look on his face as he began to realize I was serious. 

And here we are getting ready to leave everyone and everything from my life so that he could return to his:

 

And, this is now home:

 

Alzheimer's - Don't Give In

Today has me thinking about sounds. Loud sounds like drums, airplanes, trains are music to my ears. I grew up in a small town in NJ where, with no air conditioning, we slept with the windows open. Each night I fell asleep to the sound of the Hawthorne Caballero, a Championship-winning drum and bugle corp that practiced in a nearby park. I wound up with two sons and one of my husbands (yes, more than one, but that's a story for another time) who were drummers. I never could get enough of listening to them. My current husband was a Chief Master Sergeant in the Air Force, 30 years, and is also in love with the sound of a roaring jet. The sound of freedom he calls them. Why the love of these loud sounds? I don't know for sure but they are something that I can feel throughout my whole body. I'm not sure anything else does that.

I also love wind chimes. Very soothing. And, I lovingly recall the of the sounds, when dozing on a blanket on the beach, of the ocean waves crashing, the boardwalk cacophony of muted sounds, the squealing of little children running from the waves, the sound of pounding feet as they walked in the hot sand. I know I will never see the ocean or hear these sounds again, so they will have to remain a precious memory. 

Sounds I don't like? The sound of an air raid signal terrifies me. I believe that I lived during the second world was and had to deal with that sound. I believe that that is actually how I died, from a bomb. I can remember the sound and feel the separation of my body and soul. I also, never having driven a stick shift vehicle, found myself trying to shift my automatic car when I was first driving. I also seem to have a fascination with Hitler and have read/watched just about anything I can about him trying to grasp at how/why it all happened. Still no clue though.  

This is a photo that I took last week with another disaster caused by my inability to follow directions. If I did not have Als and dementia I would have come to the conclusion that I just didn't have the ability to be a weaver. However, my diagnoses just makes me very stubborn and determined. So, on I go and now I have something that will look nice and is well done. 

Don't ever give in.

How Did I Know I had Alzheimer's?

Interesting question. I, like most people my age, had lapses in memory. Where are my keys? Where did I put my purse? What day is it? Common and nothing to fret about, right? When I couldn't remember which was the hot and the cold tap in the shower though, I started to worry a bit. But, friends and family assured me that those things happened to them all of the time. Hubby was referred by our PA to a neuropsychologists for testing and I questioned why our doctor was sending him. "Because I asked", he replied. When his test results came back as being having cognitive memory decline, I asked my doctor to set up a referral as well as I thought my symptoms were worse. 

A few days before my appointment I had a bizarre thing happen though that made me think I was right in having fears. I got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and couldn't find my way out. We had a small bathroom and I couldn't find the door handle. I kept turning around until I wasn't even sure where the door was. I finally found it and crawled into bed. That's when I realized that I had forgotten to open my eyes. 

The time came. After one day of filling out tons of paperwork and answering lots of questions from the doctor, and another day doing about 4 hours of testing. I was ready for a return trip to get the verdict. I knew I had not done well. Everything was difficult for me to do. I have a Master's Degree.... I am not a stupid person.... I was a teacher for many years..... I ran a school office for many more years.... yet, I knew I was in trouble.

The doctor himself opened the door to his office. I took one look at his face and said, "I have Alzheimer's, don't I?" He looked shocked for just a brief second and then said, "Yes." I think hes was grateful to have someone who didn't argue, cry, deny, plead for a different diagnoses. 

He went over my results and pointed out my "failures". For example, I had drawn the time on a clock wrong. Hey, we learned that when we were about 7 years old, didn't we? How could anyone do that wrong. But, there it was, in my own drawing. WRONG! And, on and on it went. 

He proceeded to tell me that I needed to play games and that was even more important than friends or family. If anything was easy, move on and find something harder to work on. Find new things to do, see, learn. Do not give in to this. He was very motivating and made me know I could do this. Another thing he said that I have to repeat to others all the time. "Your verbal skills have not been touched yet, so you're biggest battle will be people refusing to accept your diagnoses." How right he was. 

Fortunately, we found it very early. Some medications (nothing can stop the progress, there is no cure) will help to slow the symptoms. He assured me that it will be many years before I am, what most people think of as fact, the image of what I thought someone with Alzheimer's was like. 

On a lighter note:

With a diabetic husband, and being pre-diabetic myself, I have learned to use Keto style deserts. This is a peanut butter pie made with a chocolate almond flour crust. The filling is cream cheese, peanut butter, fake sugar, and a bit of almond milk, poured into the cooled crust. 

I could skip dinner most nights and just go for dessert.