Beginning to Panic - Alzheimer's Blog

Beginning to panic. 

I get very confused when dealing with money these days. I was looking to see which credit cards need attending to when I saw that I had paid one credit card three times instead of paying three different credit cards. It is good to find that, if I say that I have Alzheimer's, many companies are kind and transfer me to an agent who has the authority to help. Fortunately, even though I have to wait a week to the funds, I was able to straighten things out. 

Last week I almost burned the house down when I forgot that I was boiling chicken for my ill puppy. I suddenly saw smoke, then flames coming from the stove. I only burned a pot and the chicken though and not the house. (Puppy is fine now.)

However, several of my doctors insist that I do not have Alzheimer's. Of course, they do not have to live with me and see the mayhem that I am able to create in a short time. Thankfully, I can still realize and then fix most of my errors. But, one day I will not. Maybe then they will come to agree with the full diagnosis that I received from a Neurologist. (Can you tell how frustrated it makes me when anyone, particularly a doctor who should know better, insists that I don't have dementia?)

Edited: This was a note I got from my niece when I told her the above story: I’m so sad for you with the frustrations you must be dealing with. Does this type of thing scare you or do you just shrug and move on? To be honest, if it were me, it would scare me and frustrate me. I feel awful for what you’re dealing with .

This is how I responded to her: First it scares me, then I get angry, then  forgive myself because there’s nothing can do about it, then I move on 

She then wrote back: That sounds right. There is nothing that you can do so just be kind to yourself. You didn’t do anything to be dealt this hand.  Maybe you were given this path to help others with your insight. 

I love this girl!

On a lighter note, we had twins born the other day. So cute!

Witchcraft and Alzheimer's

I posted the blurb below on a Facebook group that I belong to today. I was thinking about it and wondered why I am reluctant to actually post about my witchcraft activities here. Judgement? Should I care at this point in my life? I'm not trying to change anyone else's beliefs, just being joyful that I finally found the truth.

Here's what I posted:

Having been diagnosed about 4 years ago with Alzheimer's put me into a spin. My doctor advised me to find something new to learn and keep the progress in a slow down state. Not really sure how Tarot jumped into my path, but you must know the rabbit hole that took me down into runes, iChing, astrology and such until I discovered witchcraft.

I do have a blog about this journey. I'm not really too brave about posting the witchcraft beliefs because I'm afraid of scaring off those I'm trying to reach. I do post more on Instagram though where I am jeanchaneyaz. 

 

(This is a photo that I played with using Procreate and Pixabay. I do not have long hair, lol! The only part of the photo that is "me" is the face.)

 

 

 

Just a bit of pondering about Alzheimer's

 I went to the grocery store today and an older gentleman commented about the high price of meat as we pondered what was affordable in that section of the store. I had a package of something that I thought was quite reasonable so I showed it to him. We began chatting when I said that it was just enough for my husband and me for one dinner. He said that he was now alone as his wife had recently passed from dementia. He had put her in a home for the last month of her life as she had been increasingly difficult to deal with. She had become angry and accusatory. It took four year to reach that point though. As we chatted we talked about how old age gets us eventually and that we don't get to choose what kills us. He was angry at the fact that the newest drug for Alzheimer's won't be available for another year. He seemed to think it was a cure. However, from what I've read, it's just another way for drug companies to make money feeding of of people's dreams. 

Anyway, I left the store thinking about my husband. Will he have to care for me? Will he have to have me put away because I become too difficult to deal with? Or, will outlive him? I think all we can do is live each day to the fullest without worrying about those things. There's nothing that can be done so what's the point. 

I got a call from my doctor's office this morning. Something about my cholesterol levels being bad. Should I care? I'm dying anyway. Shouldn't I just enjoy that cookie? Questions and no answers. Last time I was there he said that I shouldn't worry. Now the call says I should. Make up your mind medical community. 

I have enough trouble thinking without adding making decisions regarding things that are too confusing to think about. 

Like and Subscribe

Sorry about the title. I just couldn't help myself. Hubby has become addicted to YouTube and I cringe each time I hear them say that. Not that I don't understand. But, I'm not making a penny with this blog so no need to like OR subscribe 😄

No sleep last night. I'm sure you've all had those nights when something on your mind becomes something you can't slow down for anything. Have you ever actually thought of all the things you have learned, accomplished, attempted, enjoyed, in your life already? Well, that's the journey I was on last night. Each time I thought of something, more would pop up. What a roller coaster and joy this life has been. Sure there have been derailments along the way but I was always able to get those wheels back on the track and keep going.

In this life I have been a wife, mother, grandmother, teacher, office administrator, student. I have taken the role of a librarian, artist, nurse, counselor. I have raised or cared for dogs, cats, birds, chickens, sheep, salamanders, turtles, guinea pigs, snakes, hamsters, raccoons, rats, mice, gerbils and ..... in my life. I have learned to cook, sew, spin, play guitar, play piano,  crochet, knit, weave, keep a clean house (well, mostly). I have added learning tarot, iChing, runes, crystals, scrying, oracle card reading, astrology, numerology, drop crystals, and I see no end to this journey. I hope anyway. 

All this came about when I was notified last evening that an article that I had written for the Cartomancer Magazine was in the Fall 2023 issue and ready to be shipped out. I had written about my journey with Alzheimer's and how learning divination had helped me. Now, I get to add "author" sort of to my list, LOL! 

Hope you'll all have a chance to read it. It is available as a digital download if you are interested. If not, my feelings won't be hurt. I understand that my journey isn't necessarily everyone's journey.

Confusion with Alzheimer's

There I was moving laundry from the washer into the dryer and suddenly I found myself moving the wet clothes back into the washer. What do you do? Laugh, cry, get angry. I suppose any of those would be correct. I just sigh, and then move everything back into the dryer. Some days are like that where I do things backwards or out of order. I used to get very angry. Then I learned to laugh. Now thought I only sigh and redo things as necessary. It's just part of the process. Part of my day. Part of who I am. But, I always remember that it is not all of the process, not all of my day, and not all of who I am. And then I can smile and enjoy the rest of the day.

On a lighter note: We have some good friends that invite us to go along when they hunt dove. Hubby enjoys shooting the birds too and whatever he shoots he gives to them to cook up. They love to eat them, but us, well, not so much. 

I go along just to get outdoors and away from the computer, chores, and all the things that keep me from just relaxing. It's good to go outside without an agenda, breathe fresh air, and calm the soul. 

Instagram and Discrimination

Here I am, working hard at developing new friendships and finding joy in my day using Instagram to post my journey both with tarot and Alzheimer's only to find myself blocked. I'm sure this is frustrating to anyone, but for me it is almost devastating. I'm wondering if it is a sign that it's time to give up. To slink into the hole of despair that I see others with life altering events fall into. Damn. What is wrong with this world that is being taken over by AI (artificial intelligence) where you can't even speak to a real person anymore? My condition requires dealing with a real person. Someone who can explain things calmly to me. 

As you can see, I'm just venting here. I know there's nothing I can do. No, I'm not really ready to throw in the towel. But, I certainly wish there were some way to understand why I was shut down from commenting for the response of "yes, I will send some to you later". to someone. I can't see how that could be thought of as spam or against community standards. Today, I got shut down again immediately on my first comment which was, "I'll bet this tarot deck becomes one of your favorites. " 

One of our group is thinking that they are targeting any of us who have anything to do with the witchy side of life. We who understand witchcraft knows that to be a witch does not make one a follower of Satan. That would be like saying that everyone who owns a gun is a murderer, or anyone who eats twinkies is fat. To me that smacks of intolerance (on top of total ignorance). I can't believe that this country is going backwards instead of forwards as far as this goes. 

If anyone has any suggestion, please feel free to share. I'm not feeling very positive at the moment and that's not a space I care to be in. 

Clumsy with Alzheimer's

I'm sure I'm not the only one with a progressive and incurable disease that sometimes thinks "They must have made a mistake." But I'm finding myself moving more towards the middle stages of Alzheimer's as I'm becoming more and more clumsy. I drop everything, I knock things over. I hit my head on just about anything. I trip. I fall. This morning hubby wouldn't let me water the garden since I took such a bad fall the other day cracking my head on a metal pipe. (Still aching all over from that one.)

Wondering about this had me Internet searching and I found several places that mentions this as a side effect or Alzheimer's. Well, poop. I guess I missed that. I expected to forget names, appointments (oops, forgot to get my lab work done again), people, places, directions. But, I didn't realize that feeling like a drunken sailor was part of the package. Thankfully our house has lots of walls and hallways that help me maneuver in the early morning. Apparently the brain deterioration changes vision and depth perception which leads to the awkward feeling that causes some of these annoying things. 

I suppose I'm just going to have to slow down (it's called the Alzheimer's shuffle) and try to keep from harming myself and making my hubby crazy with all the bumps, cuts, and bruises that magically appear without me having any memory of what caused them.  

On a lighter note: 

She is the sweetest thing (Belgian Malinois) and makes me smile. Her name is Cassidy and she will be 2 years old next week.