Watch Your Words

Watching a movie that had a character from another movie. Hubby pointed it out and I said, "I don't remember." And, his reply was a very sarcastic, "Of course you don't." Well slap my face and push me down a bit further why don't you? He immediately realized that he shouldn't verbalize his frustration over my Alzheimer's and reached over to grab my hand. Yes, he will forget by today that he even spoke such an insensitive remark. But, the one with dementia, who can't remember much of anything these days, will never forget. 

Watch your words and reassess you thought process people. 

I have learned though to live with inflicted pain and most always show a smiling face to the world. 

Cheers!

I Used To Know How to Do That.

One of those days. I got all jazzed up about doing a knit scarf. It's supposed to be easy. First, I pulled out my interchangeable needles only to find that I had forgotten completely how to put them together. No problem. Off to YouTube. Several videos later I still had no idea. So, I picked out a pair of regular circular needles. Then, I took a skein of yarn and proceeded to use my yarn winder to make a working cake. HA! That was a disaster. But, after a tune I was able to figure out how to get it right and I had my ball of yarn. I just can't remember, after a million times, how to cast on though, None of those videos are making any sense either. I decided to just do the simple cast on (which isn't very good) go from there.  Now, it was time to begin. Well, I have been "beginning" all day. Nope. Not happening.

Do I give up? Should I push myself into near hysteria? Neither seems to be a good option. So I will just try again tomorrow. Some days are just like that.😟

Even trying to type this has been amusing. I am skipping letters, mixing up the order and forgetting where I was going with my thought. Please forgive me if this is jumbled.

On a brighter note, we discovered that our dog is actually a black Belgian Malinois. She has such goofy ears and even though she is very smart, she has a few quirks. Reading about the dog traits however has show that it is just part of her nature so it will be easier to understand. She doesn't care if I can't remember how to do things. As long as I remember when it's dinner time, and I don't think she's likely to forget to tell me! So grateful for her.

Crystals and Forgotten Crafts

Crystals. Crystals are my newest obsession. I seem to have a new obsession every few days. I find focusing on one thing becoming more and more difficult. I get so enthused about something, get everything out, order new things, read and buy books, magazines, and courses about the given new love only to find something else to replace it all too quickly. A friend suggested that I might have ADD but I'm not sure you develop that in your 70's? I'm thinking that it is the Alzheimer's. Maybe I'm stressing about not learning everything that I can before my brain is total mush and that's why I just can't seem to squeeze in enough learning of new things each day? It's both frustrating and exhilarating at the same time. 

My guitar has new strings, is tuned, while the books with pieces to play sit untouched.

My fiber on my spinning wheel and drop spindles are covered with dust.

Looms of all sizes and shapes, filled with projects that have been started and abandoned sit mournfully propped on shelves. 

Bags upon bags of half finished socks, sweaters, scarves of knitted, crochet, Tunisian crochet, and embroidery know they will never be completed as I can't find my place any longer in the directions or don't know how to do the stitches anymore. 

I love all these crafty things but each time I pick something up now I have to watch videos to see how to do things that used to be second nature to me. Simple things are now difficult. It's like being a beginner every day. 

So, this week it's crystals. Beautiful colored objects that have names to memorize, qualities to memorize, and different ways of incorporating them into my life to discover. I feel sad to know all of that will have been mostly forgotten in a short time though while I seek to relearn something else I used to know.

Alzheimer's Nightmares

Nightmares. I suppose we all have them. But, I have read that those of us with dying brains have them more. I think I can agree to that. I have the crystals that are supposed to protect me from them next to my bed. I dutifully sage my sleeping area. I think positive thoughts before slumber, yet there they are haunting me yet again. I know all about keeping a Book of Shadows. I understand journaling. I know all about talking things out, yet, they persist. 

Maybe I need to make friends with these demons. Maybe I need to learn to laugh at their shenanigans. Sometimes, tired as I am, I don't want to fall asleep. 

When I was younger I would dream constantly of going back to college but I was always lost and missed the class. It was a constant dream. One day, an old friend appeared in the dream. She said, "I know you're scared to do this so I will walk you to the class to get you started." When I awoke I called a current friend and asked her if she would consider going back to college with me herself. I was delighted that she would. We went and enrolled at the same time. I never saw again her at school, as we took different things, but that's all I needed to get me going and I would up with a Master's Degree in Higher and Adult Education.

I suppose I'm just going to have to wait it out until someone pops into my dreams to help me find a way out of this recurring nightmare.

On a lighter note. Spring is here. The garden is blooming. Lambs have gone to market. Kittens are being born to out barn cats. I got to take a delightful trip to see my family and meet my newest grandson. Life is good. 

Witches and Alzheimer's

 No, I don't post here often. Nobody reads it as far as I know. I pretty much post Alzheimer's related content on Instagram, jeanchaneyaz, using the Tarot and Oracle cards to jump start my memory.

However, today I was thinking of a dream I had last night. I was dreaming that my granddaughter was talking about some herbal recipes she uses for her dog for his health. I was amazed and told her so and she was beaming. Then, I said, "You must be a witch." And, her smile turned to one of horror. I chided myself as I know people just don't understand what words mean sometimes and I need to be more careful.  They think of TV or movie stereotypes. I had to take the time to teach her what the "real" meaning of being a witch was.... someone who is one with nature, a seeker of truth and wisdom, someone who follows the rules of harm no one. Witches do NOT believe in the devil, satan, or even hell for that matter. They believe in the three fold rule. What you put out there comes back times three. Simple article on Cosmopolitan does a great summary if you're interested. 

This made me think of how people respond when they hear that I have Alzheimer's. Horror, followed by disbelief. They only know of what they've heard or seen in the movies or of loved ones that were at the end of the disease. 

Witches don't wear black hats, fly broom, hex people and have warts on their nose anymore that people with dementia or Alzheimer's are sitting in a corner, drooling, and babbling to themselves. 

Spring has come to central Texas!

 

Instagram to Reach Alzheimer's

I'm loving Instagram where I now post a daily prompt response and use it to mull about my Alzheimer's issues. I don't seem to be reaching anyone who actually has Alzheimer's or dementia (that was my goal), but there seem to be a lot of people who are learning more about what the disease is and isn't from my posts. So, that's a good thing. If you aren't following me on Instagram, take a peek and be sure to read the posts.

jeanchaneyaz

Alzheimer's and Money Management

My bank balance was in turmoil. Fortunately the bank said I have more money in my account than my Money Manager program said. After two days of searching, I still can't see what went wrong, but I'm not ready to give up on handling the finances yet. Hubby, when I married him, had such a mess going on financially. It was not easy, but I finally got everything under control. I haven't allowed him, nor has he wanted to, to have much say as far as our money management. He looked absolutely panic stricken when I told him it was getting very difficult for me to do some of these things, so I need to just take my time and remember to approach these things in the morning when my brain is a bit more in control.

Yesterday we had a handyman come out to help us pick out new security and storm doors for our home. We were working on my iPad together and I placed the order. This morning, as I looked at the order on my computer, I could see that just about everything was wrong. Was it me? Was it him? Was it the website? I tend to blame my Alzheimer's for everything that goes wrong, but I'm not convinced that this is so. For instance, now that I look at how Home Depot arranges their website, I think it was him (making me order handles when the door already comes with handles) and the website (that showed the color I wanted was not available but I found it on another screen as available) this time. And, I think the program for my money is wrong as it is showing a negative balance for all of last year (which I had reconciled perfectly all last year and was never in the negative), not me or the bank. So, I just added the extra into the program as an "error" and now I jive with the bank. Sometimes you just have to adapt and move on.

I'm sure this is boring info, but since nobody reads this, it is helping me to put it down so I can let it go and move on. 

Mistakes happen. That's why there are erasers on pencils.

On a positive note. I have taught myself a somewhat new to me technique in weaving. Adding beads. And, it turned out, after a few tears and choice words, perfectly.