Just a bit of pondering about Alzheimer's

 I went to the grocery store today and an older gentleman commented about the high price of meat as we pondered what was affordable in that section of the store. I had a package of something that I thought was quite reasonable so I showed it to him. We began chatting when I said that it was just enough for my husband and me for one dinner. He said that he was now alone as his wife had recently passed from dementia. He had put her in a home for the last month of her life as she had been increasingly difficult to deal with. She had become angry and accusatory. It took four year to reach that point though. As we chatted we talked about how old age gets us eventually and that we don't get to choose what kills us. He was angry at the fact that the newest drug for Alzheimer's won't be available for another year. He seemed to think it was a cure. However, from what I've read, it's just another way for drug companies to make money feeding of of people's dreams. 

Anyway, I left the store thinking about my husband. Will he have to care for me? Will he have to have me put away because I become too difficult to deal with? Or, will outlive him? I think all we can do is live each day to the fullest without worrying about those things. There's nothing that can be done so what's the point. 

I got a call from my doctor's office this morning. Something about my cholesterol levels being bad. Should I care? I'm dying anyway. Shouldn't I just enjoy that cookie? Questions and no answers. Last time I was there he said that I shouldn't worry. Now the call says I should. Make up your mind medical community. 

I have enough trouble thinking without adding making decisions regarding things that are too confusing to think about. 

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Sorry about the title. I just couldn't help myself. Hubby has become addicted to YouTube and I cringe each time I hear them say that. Not that I don't understand. But, I'm not making a penny with this blog so no need to like OR subscribe 😄

No sleep last night. I'm sure you've all had those nights when something on your mind becomes something you can't slow down for anything. Have you ever actually thought of all the things you have learned, accomplished, attempted, enjoyed, in your life already? Well, that's the journey I was on last night. Each time I thought of something, more would pop up. What a roller coaster and joy this life has been. Sure there have been derailments along the way but I was always able to get those wheels back on the track and keep going.

In this life I have been a wife, mother, grandmother, teacher, office administrator, student. I have taken the role of a librarian, artist, nurse, counselor. I have raised or cared for dogs, cats, birds, chickens, sheep, salamanders, turtles, guinea pigs, snakes, hamsters, raccoons, rats, mice, gerbils and ..... in my life. I have learned to cook, sew, spin, play guitar, play piano,  crochet, knit, weave, keep a clean house (well, mostly). I have added learning tarot, iChing, runes, crystals, scrying, oracle card reading, astrology, numerology, drop crystals, and I see no end to this journey. I hope anyway. 

All this came about when I was notified last evening that an article that I had written for the Cartomancer Magazine was in the Fall 2023 issue and ready to be shipped out. I had written about my journey with Alzheimer's and how learning divination had helped me. Now, I get to add "author" sort of to my list, LOL! 

Hope you'll all have a chance to read it. It is available as a digital download if you are interested. If not, my feelings won't be hurt. I understand that my journey isn't necessarily everyone's journey.

Confusion with Alzheimer's

There I was moving laundry from the washer into the dryer and suddenly I found myself moving the wet clothes back into the washer. What do you do? Laugh, cry, get angry. I suppose any of those would be correct. I just sigh, and then move everything back into the dryer. Some days are like that where I do things backwards or out of order. I used to get very angry. Then I learned to laugh. Now thought I only sigh and redo things as necessary. It's just part of the process. Part of my day. Part of who I am. But, I always remember that it is not all of the process, not all of my day, and not all of who I am. And then I can smile and enjoy the rest of the day.

On a lighter note: We have some good friends that invite us to go along when they hunt dove. Hubby enjoys shooting the birds too and whatever he shoots he gives to them to cook up. They love to eat them, but us, well, not so much. 

I go along just to get outdoors and away from the computer, chores, and all the things that keep me from just relaxing. It's good to go outside without an agenda, breathe fresh air, and calm the soul. 

Instagram and Discrimination

Here I am, working hard at developing new friendships and finding joy in my day using Instagram to post my journey both with tarot and Alzheimer's only to find myself blocked. I'm sure this is frustrating to anyone, but for me it is almost devastating. I'm wondering if it is a sign that it's time to give up. To slink into the hole of despair that I see others with life altering events fall into. Damn. What is wrong with this world that is being taken over by AI (artificial intelligence) where you can't even speak to a real person anymore? My condition requires dealing with a real person. Someone who can explain things calmly to me. 

As you can see, I'm just venting here. I know there's nothing I can do. No, I'm not really ready to throw in the towel. But, I certainly wish there were some way to understand why I was shut down from commenting for the response of "yes, I will send some to you later". to someone. I can't see how that could be thought of as spam or against community standards. Today, I got shut down again immediately on my first comment which was, "I'll bet this tarot deck becomes one of your favorites. " 

One of our group is thinking that they are targeting any of us who have anything to do with the witchy side of life. We who understand witchcraft knows that to be a witch does not make one a follower of Satan. That would be like saying that everyone who owns a gun is a murderer, or anyone who eats twinkies is fat. To me that smacks of intolerance (on top of total ignorance). I can't believe that this country is going backwards instead of forwards as far as this goes. 

If anyone has any suggestion, please feel free to share. I'm not feeling very positive at the moment and that's not a space I care to be in. 

Clumsy with Alzheimer's

I'm sure I'm not the only one with a progressive and incurable disease that sometimes thinks "They must have made a mistake." But I'm finding myself moving more towards the middle stages of Alzheimer's as I'm becoming more and more clumsy. I drop everything, I knock things over. I hit my head on just about anything. I trip. I fall. This morning hubby wouldn't let me water the garden since I took such a bad fall the other day cracking my head on a metal pipe. (Still aching all over from that one.)

Wondering about this had me Internet searching and I found several places that mentions this as a side effect or Alzheimer's. Well, poop. I guess I missed that. I expected to forget names, appointments (oops, forgot to get my lab work done again), people, places, directions. But, I didn't realize that feeling like a drunken sailor was part of the package. Thankfully our house has lots of walls and hallways that help me maneuver in the early morning. Apparently the brain deterioration changes vision and depth perception which leads to the awkward feeling that causes some of these annoying things. 

I suppose I'm just going to have to slow down (it's called the Alzheimer's shuffle) and try to keep from harming myself and making my hubby crazy with all the bumps, cuts, and bruises that magically appear without me having any memory of what caused them.  

On a lighter note: 

She is the sweetest thing (Belgian Malinois) and makes me smile. Her name is Cassidy and she will be 2 years old next week. 

Hording and Alzheimer's

I have become a hoarder. I have a NEED to get more books, more tarot/oracle decks, more crystals on a daily basis. I feel panicked when I don't have a used book or other item in my list of things to expect in the mail. No one can read all those books. But, I have to have them. I know that it has become a problem. Not enough that it cause us to not pay bills, save money, or anything like that. The things I order are very inexpensive and I certainly spend less per week than if I were a smoker. However, it worries me. 

So, I went on a hunt and found this: "By hiding and hoarding things, the person may be trying to have some control of their situation. They may feel they need to stockpile items." (This is linked to the Alzheimer's group in the UK). 

This all started when we moved to Texas where I am alone all day. I have nobody to talk to except Internet friends. Hubby is off doing his own thing all day and then watches TV all night. Getting new (okay, mostly used) things in the mail is my bright spot of the day. Not that I'm bored. With a large home and property, chickens, cats, dogs, birds, and sheep, I have plenty to do. My hobbies fill many hours of my day as well. But, still I get that panicky feeling and just get that itch to go online and order something else. 

I am thinking that it is almost like being anorexic or bulimic. Another form of trying a way to control something that cannot be controlled. Okay, I admit that deep down I am terrified of losing my brain to Alzheimer's. I realize that I am frantic in devouring as many books as I can to keep that brain from melting down. While following my doctor's orders to learn new things I keep adding things to learn from, like researching new crystals or different forms of divination. I also understand that what  I'm doing is masking something that I don't want to face, not only the Alzheimer's, but the loss of my son. If I ever allow myself any quiet time I will lose everything.

Now that I've publicly vented my fears I had hoped to feel better about it. I had hoped it would make more sense. But, well, no. I do appreciate having a place where I can put all these thoughts though.

 

Some of my crystals. They are pretty.

The Suddeness of Death

A man in our town, who actually was our plumber, was killed in a car wreck. I am feeling kind of lost. I didn't know him well, but, since I lost one of my sons from a motorcycle accident it brought up again how life is so fragile. Here one moment and gone in the next. It is very difficult to comprehend. 

Fortunately, I do have certain beliefs that make this easier as I don't really feel that anyone dies, just changes composition. But, there's still that wonder of what they are doing right now, what do they think of there time here, or, well, I don't even know what else to question.

There are no answers. There is no proof. Yes, a lot of people have different beliefs and faith that works for them. I spent years blindly following that faith without question. but the more I study, the more I realize how organized religion had duped people into not thinking for themselves at all. I'm grateful to have had my diagnosis because it sent me on a search to learn more about who we are and about our life's purpose. I suppose most of us just think about the "me" of it but I've come to understand that we are all one in spirit. We must love one another and strive to be all that we can. To help others, to be kind, to care for mother earth. 

We can't control what created us or know why we were created. We can only know that each of us is here for a purpose. It is important to seek out that purpose. And, when we have fulfilled our purpose, we are taken back to reflect, learn, and do better the next time around.

I'm sure that my thoughts will be a big turn off for most. It's just my opinion, as you have yours. We are all entitled to our opinion as long as we don't force it on anyone else. This is just my rant, my rave, against that which I do not understand. 

Peaceful view out my front window.