Hording and Alzheimer's

I have become a hoarder. I have a NEED to get more books, more tarot/oracle decks, more crystals on a daily basis. I feel panicked when I don't have a used book or other item in my list of things to expect in the mail. No one can read all those books. But, I have to have them. I know that it has become a problem. Not enough that it cause us to not pay bills, save money, or anything like that. The things I order are very inexpensive and I certainly spend less per week than if I were a smoker. However, it worries me. 

So, I went on a hunt and found this: "By hiding and hoarding things, the person may be trying to have some control of their situation. They may feel they need to stockpile items." (This is linked to the Alzheimer's group in the UK). 

This all started when we moved to Texas where I am alone all day. I have nobody to talk to except Internet friends. Hubby is off doing his own thing all day and then watches TV all night. Getting new (okay, mostly used) things in the mail is my bright spot of the day. Not that I'm bored. With a large home and property, chickens, cats, dogs, birds, and sheep, I have plenty to do. My hobbies fill many hours of my day as well. But, still I get that panicky feeling and just get that itch to go online and order something else. 

I am thinking that it is almost like being anorexic or bulimic. Another form of trying a way to control something that cannot be controlled. Okay, I admit that deep down I am terrified of losing my brain to Alzheimer's. I realize that I am frantic in devouring as many books as I can to keep that brain from melting down. While following my doctor's orders to learn new things I keep adding things to learn from, like researching new crystals or different forms of divination. I also understand that what  I'm doing is masking something that I don't want to face, not only the Alzheimer's, but the loss of my son. If I ever allow myself any quiet time I will lose everything.

Now that I've publicly vented my fears I had hoped to feel better about it. I had hoped it would make more sense. But, well, no. I do appreciate having a place where I can put all these thoughts though.

 

Some of my crystals. They are pretty.

The Suddeness of Death

A man in our town, who actually was our plumber, was killed in a car wreck. I am feeling kind of lost. I didn't know him well, but, since I lost one of my sons from a motorcycle accident it brought up again how life is so fragile. Here one moment and gone in the next. It is very difficult to comprehend. 

Fortunately, I do have certain beliefs that make this easier as I don't really feel that anyone dies, just changes composition. But, there's still that wonder of what they are doing right now, what do they think of there time here, or, well, I don't even know what else to question.

There are no answers. There is no proof. Yes, a lot of people have different beliefs and faith that works for them. I spent years blindly following that faith without question. but the more I study, the more I realize how organized religion had duped people into not thinking for themselves at all. I'm grateful to have had my diagnosis because it sent me on a search to learn more about who we are and about our life's purpose. I suppose most of us just think about the "me" of it but I've come to understand that we are all one in spirit. We must love one another and strive to be all that we can. To help others, to be kind, to care for mother earth. 

We can't control what created us or know why we were created. We can only know that each of us is here for a purpose. It is important to seek out that purpose. And, when we have fulfilled our purpose, we are taken back to reflect, learn, and do better the next time around.

I'm sure that my thoughts will be a big turn off for most. It's just my opinion, as you have yours. We are all entitled to our opinion as long as we don't force it on anyone else. This is just my rant, my rave, against that which I do not understand. 

Peaceful view out my front window.

Role Models for those with Alzheimer's or Dementia

 I have some "heroes" or maybe just role models helping with my journey down the dark path of Alzheimer's. One being Michael J. Fox and the other being Patrick Swayze. 

Michael J Fox, comedic actor best know for his roles as known for his roles as Alex P. Keaton on TV's Family Ties, and as Marty McFly in the movie Back to the Future, was only 29 when he was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. He has battled with its effects for over 30 years. In an interview with Smithsonian Magazine he said that he’s been able to remain optimistic because of his love for his family and the fulfillment he finds in helping others who are struggling.

Patrick Swayze, an actor, dancer, and singer who was named “The sexiest Man Alive” in 1991 by People Magazine, died at only 57 after a two-year battle with pancreatic cancer. His wife, Niemi Swayze, repeated in an interview what he had said to her:  playing even a small part in helping change the lives of those who are fighting the disease -- or their loved ones -- for the better is a "great honor."  He is another hero of mine as he never gave up. I can only hope that publicly voicing my journey dealing with Alzheimer’s/ dementia, is helpful to anyone who is dealing with any long-term issue to see that we have to rejoice in what time we have, not what time we might not have. What we can do, not what we can’t.

“How do you nurture a positive attitude when all the statistics say you're a dead man? You go to work.” - Patrick Swayze

That's right. Keep going. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Let's look at what we can do instead of what we can't. Let's enjoy the time we have instead of fretting over the time we may not have.

A Mala bracelet that I made to repeat the mantra shown. I do still have intelligence. Maybe not as much or sharp as it once was, but I still have it and have to remember that as long as I'm still learning new things that I am on the right path.

“Alzheimer's currently has no cure and no survivors. But this will change.” – Alzheimer’s Association - @alzassociation